A big part of my dream of bringing my first two children’s books to life and into the hands of young children and their loved ones was to give my friends and loved ones from various communities the opportunity to participate in the process.
It would have been far easier–though perhaps a bit slower–for me just to do it myself.
Asking for help and support was–IS–scary for me. It brings up many old shadows around abandonment, worthiness, shame, asking for help, rejection, self-reliance, and more.
That too was part of the reason I’ve asked for help. I need to keep moving through such fears and barriers.
And I’ve certainly run smack dab into all of them. We’re only three days into this project and there have already been many times that I wished I’d simply done it all myself.
With the amount of work I’ve done on myself and the huge amount of love and support that I have in so many areas of my life, it still amazes me as to how deep, powerful, and entrenched my shadows and doubts are around such things.
One of the best compliments I’ve received about my blogging efforts went something along the lines of, “Russ gives without asking for anything in return.” I often think about that comment. And am proud of it. I have now crossed that line and it is no longer true. That greatly saddens me.
Concerns have even arisen within me as to whether there might be some form of “testing” of friendships and relationships going on. I hate such tests (and I very rarely use the word “hate”.) I don’t like it when someone tests my friendship, and I sure as heck wouldn’t want to be doing it to others.
Testing friendships certainly wasn’t a conscious part of my dream to offer my friends and other loved ones the opportunity to help me. But can I honestly say there isn’t an element of testing going on? I hope there isn’t. If there is I’d ask people not to support me as I don’t like to see poor behavior rewarded. I don’t know. And THAT BOTHERS ME A LOT.
What I know for certain is that I am very grateful to and for the friends and loved ones and readers of my blogs who have made generous financial pledges toward making these dreams come true. Your kindness and generosity are indeed making this the community effort I’d hoped it would become. (And thanks to a pledge I received today, it is becoming a global community effort.)
Three days into this project, pledges for 19% of the minimum funding target have been reached. On the strength of those results, I’ve just requested two more illustrations be created for “Clyde and I” and the storyboard be developed for “Rusty Bear and Thomas, Too”.
With the conflicting feelings I have about all of this right now, two are bubbling up especially strongly, so I’ll sign off with them. Perhaps you have seen me mention them a time or two before. ;-D!