Phyllis Diller Remembered

A friend sent this to me
With love,
Russ
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. 
-Phyllis Diller
  
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? 
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller 

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. 
-Phyllis Diller 

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. 
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. 
-Phyllis Diller
  
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. 
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. 
-Phyllis Diller 

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. 
-Phyllis Diller
  
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. 
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. 
-Phyllis Diller
  
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. 
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. 
-Phyllis Diller 

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me. 
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. 
-Phyllis Diller
  
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children. 
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ 
-Phyllis Diller 

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. 
-Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
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About russtowne

My wife and I have been married since 1979. We have 3 adult children and 4 young grandsons. I manage a wealth management firm I founded in 2003. My Beloved is a Special Education teacher for Kindergartners and First Graders. I'm a published author of 23 books in a variety of genres for grownups and children. In addition to my family, friends, investing, and writing, my passions include reading, watching classic movies, experiencing waves crashing on rocky shores, hiking in ancient redwood forests, and enjoying our small redwood grove and fern garden.
This entry was posted in Humor, Parenting and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Phyllis Diller Remembered

  1. Annette Rochelle Aben says:

    Oh my goodness.. thank you for this great reminder of such a funny, funny woman! 🙂

    • russtowne says:

      I appreciate your comment, Annette. I’ve been meaning to ask you: In what time zone do you live? The reason for my question is it seems as though about 90% of the time I “Like” a post you were the most recent person to “Like” it before me, so I figure we’re probably in the same time zone and you get up earlier than me or perhaps you are one time zone east of me. I live in California.
      Russ

  2. Phyllis Diller was amazing just saying

  3. ksbeth says:

    i always found her hilarious )

  4. What fun. ..remembering an eccentric, lively soul.

  5. utesmile says:

    Brilliant, love it!

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