Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis DillerCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis DillerBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis DillerI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis DillerMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis DillerAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis DillerBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis DillerWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis DillerThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis DillerHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis DillerOld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis DillerI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis DillerTranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
-Phyllis DillerI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
-Phyllis DillerYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.-Phyllis Diller