Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? 
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller 

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. 
-Phyllis Diller 

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. 
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. 
-Phyllis Diller  

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. 
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. 
-Phyllis Diller 

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. 
-Phyllis Diller  

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. 
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. 
-Phyllis Diller  

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. 
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. 
-Phyllis Diller 

My photographs don’t do me justice -they just look like me. 
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. 
-Phyllis Diller  

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children. 
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ 
-Phyllis Diller 

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. 
-Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

-Phyllis Diller