For one of my children’s stories, V.G. and Me, I’m debating between using the following two formats. I’d greatly appreciate your opinion as to which of the two options below you prefer. Which feels easier and more fun to read, is smoother flowing, and more rhythmic?
I walked toward a distant shore
I always wanted to explore.
When I was nearly halfway there,
I had a really scary scare.
As I watched a butterfly
Flutter by in the sky,
I tripped into a prickly bush
With thorns so sharp, they hurt my tush!
I walked toward
A distant shore
I always wanted
When I was nearly
I had a really
As I watched
In the sky,
I fell into
A prickly bush
With thorns so sharp
They hurt my tush!
I prefer the first one. 🙂
Thank you for your feedback, Jo. I appreciate the time you took to read both options and respond to my request.
I agree I like the first one.
Thank you, Quiall. So far, it is leading by a 3:2 margin (2-0 in blog). If most of the people providing feedback like option 1, I plan to switch back to it, and do the same with another story under development.
I like option one… I think option two breaks up the flow… Diane
Wow! I’m very glad I asked. The vote is turning into a landslide. Thank you, Diane!
Number 1 hands down
Thank you for voting, Joanne. It looks like I need to go back to the way I had it the first time.
ha, I like the second one! Now if you can write it in the shape of a butterfly…. ❤
Hi. Thank you for your reply, but I don’t know about the butterfly. :-D!
I prefer the first one, too. And it might just be me, but I’d also have a lowercase ‘f’ on flutter and the ‘w’ of with, so that it flows seamlessly. Great poem 🙂
Thank you for your vote and other recommendations, Jane. I love to get such feedback, and appreciate both.
I prefer the first one- Best, Joan
Hearing from you always brightens my day, Joan. Thank you for your taking the time to state your preference.
I love the first one Russ. It ‘felt’ right.
I love your style of writing, Colleen. If the first one feels right to you that is a very good sign to me.
Aw, thanks Russ! 🙂
For children .. I would go with the first one. The rhythm is fun!
Thank you for your kind comment and for stating your preference, Val!
Option 1 reads easier for me. Have a great day.
I appreciate your taking the time to reply, Dennis. Thank you.
Thanks for asking our opinion.
How much do we rely in our life for the child in us?! The child in me loved reading it the second way. 🙂
Good point, Varsh! Perhaps I should also ask children instead of only adults!
I read them both and here is my take. The reading flows very well with number one, however, in option 2 the shape is very interesting. If it is for kids, they may like the short lines, and be drawn in for the shape of the story. I like the vase like shape, but maybe I am kinda kid like too.
It is a cute poem nonetheless.
Thank you, Heatherlee! Good points. Maybe, part of me is also still a kid at heart as I too like the shapes created by the shorter lines in option 2.
Not surprisingly, I didn’t go with the majority…for many of the same reasons Heather mentioned. I like option 2.
Part of me prefers it as well. Thank you, Mrs. P.
sorry, russ. i fell behind in my reading, but i’d go with number 1 if it were me. –
I appreciate your vote, Beth. I understand about falling behind in reading. It seems the faster I go the behinder I get. ;-D!